Here are a few:
1. I have a stable job that gives me free time BUT I don't feel passionate about teaching and would be more than OK with more money. ( and I want to be passionate about my work.)
2. I have friends who care about me BUT I often feel dissatisfied in those relationships for whatever reason..
3. I have a good roommate situation with reasonable rent and a good neighborhood BUT I don't want to live in Vegas and feel dissatisfied living here.
4. I am in a great family ward with good people BUT I already feel overwhelmed in my calling(s) and have zero desire for any sort of responsibility.
5. I enjoy being single BUT constantly worry about "What's wrong with me?" Even though I have little-if any-desire to date anyone I know. (and those I would want to have no desire to date me)
6. I have a family who loves each other and are very blessed to be relatively drama free BUT I often wish we were different/more fun/more connected/more spiritual/whatever...
7. Survived a bad car accident and recieved adequate medical attention and had great insurance BUT still feel frustrated because I'm not completely healed and doing the things physically I want to do.
These are just a few. And to anyone who may be reading this: know I take personal responsibilty for my feelings and don't think negatively of anyone in any way, shape or form.This is why I'm writing so I can be more grateful for the things I have rather than dissatified with the way things are. All in all, I have a pretty great life. So what's my problem? The complaints I've had over the years (and currently), have centered on the following (mostly):
1. No money
2. No dates
3. No friends
4. No excitement
5.Not enough responsibility
6.Too much responsibility
7. Not busy enough
8. Too busy
I've just felt 'blah'..so to combat my 'blah-ness', I did the following things this semester:
I went back to school and took 2 Masters classes.
I started volunteering at The Shade Tree teaching a music class to kids
I started with a personal trainer and going back to the gym
I started seeing a counselor
I switched wards
I decided to go on a humanitarian trip to India
I bought curriculum guides that would allow me to teach in sequence and help my students learn
I was going to move to Washington, DC, but my stupid leg got in the way.
I was vegan all summer and felt fantastic, but it's too hard to keep up during the school year.
In short, I basically revamped my entire life.
And guess what?
Nothing changed...other than the fact that I'm insanely busy. And that's when I realized:
I have everything I thought I ever wanted, and it still isn't good enough. I'm working on becoming the person I want to be, I'm doing the things I thought I wanted to do, and it still isn't good enough. Looking back on my life experiences (after a chat with my roommate), I realized that none of those were good enough either. I wanted my life to follow the course I had charted, when in reality, the experience never measured up to my expectations. And the reality is, if I can't meaure up to my expectations, who else or what else can?
Not my friends, family or students, and definitely not anyone who would want to marry me. And granted, no one is perfect, and I know that, but for some reason, the expectations I place on myself and others (whether they know it or not) are often unattainable.
I found this quote by actor Bruce Lee I need to remember: "I'm not in this world to live up to your expectations and you're not in this world to live up to mine."
And while I make more realistic expectations for myself, hopefully I'll be able to see the good I've been missing as well.
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