Moving On

I went through some old boxes today in preparation for my move. It was interesting to look through my growing up through the eyes of an adult. There were so many things I took too seriously, took too lightly, or didn't acknowledge at all. There were items I felt were important enough to keep at the time (a letter to Santa saying I wanted a "Ril (Real) baby doll and a record player"), that I had no idea about their meaning now (the purple paper star). There was so much I had to be proud of. I accomplished a lot in those years. I had characteristics I still recognize in myself today. I spent so much of my time back then wishing my life was something different..something I thought was better. In reality, I ended up wasting a lot of time. I lived my whole life living the adage "If you want to make a friend, you have to be a friend." Lies, I say! I would change it to, "If you want to make a friend, you have to be YOUR friend." The people I love being around are the people I feel the most myself with, and I met them being myself.

Going through my things reminded me of the person I was, and the person I wanted to be: back then, and even now. I was so hard on myself, I let others define who I thought I was, or what I thought they thought I was. In reality, I had talents and fears just like everyone else. I was just like everyone else. My grades weren't amazing, but they were good. My smile was just as vibrant 20 years ago as it is now. I had a sense of humor, I was happy, or so it seemed to others, but not to myself. I was a leader. I was strong then, I am now. I was me, just younger. I wish I could tell that girl that the person she truly wanted to be, ironically, was the person she already was..she just let what she thought were the perceptions of others get in her way. I sacrificed myself in so many ways in the hope that people would like me. I needed to like me, and then others would follow suit.  Not every person has to like me I'm learning, but I'm the one who decides how they treat me. There are people I don't agree with or necessarily like, but I respect them for being who they are. Why wouldn't others do the same for me? This whole healthy self-acceptance is a new world. I wonder how many other people have already figured out this well-kept secret?

Life lessons cycle through until I learn from them..a carousel of experiences waiting to be mine if I choose to reach for the brass ring. Sometimes I feel like I'm watching it spin around in a blur. Other times I'm on it, wishing I had another horse. What would happen if I just sat back and enjoyed the ride, and got on and off when I felt like it..or at least when it stopped and started.  Maybe now and then I watch the carousel spin around once or twice. Now, I think I can handle getting on it. I can get on a horse confidently knowing that someone else's horse isn't better than mine, it's just a different color.