What I'm REALLY Thinking When I Sit Next To You At Church.

When I was in first grade, I had a little quilted book (it was peach..with lace) that I was supposed to put my school picture in and answer a couple of questions about myself for that year. One question was: 'What do I want to be when I grow up?" There were all sorts of choices, but I picked two. I put a careful 'X' by Teacher, and drew an 'M' in front of the word "Other" followed by another careful 'X'.  As I grew, my tastes changed, or so I thought. I wanted to become a marine biologist in 3rd grade, the 4th member of Wilson Phillips in 4th grade, and deeply rooted somewhere in my chubby girl heart, I wanted to be a dancer. You should ask to see my intrepretation of "She's Like The Wind" ;) I played office, and grocery store, and beauty parlor, and rock star, and She-Ra (I used to practice walking like her in my garage) and chef and I learned how to play the piano, even though I sight read most of the time during my lessons, and danced in Sunshine Generation and got kicked off the Swim Team for being too slow.  I was bossy and opinionated even then, and remember being afraid ET was going to come get me through the vents in the ceiling and prayed that the panda bears I was learning were becoming extinct would somehow be saved. I've always hated the dark and silence together. Then, and still, it takes me forever to fall asleep. I guess I'm sharing all of this to say: I am still that girl.

I am still mesmerized by the ocean.
I still love singing on stage (and off).
I still love to dance.
I still walk like She-Ra.
I still have a soft spot for all wild creatures..the bigger the better. 
I still am afraid (and creeped out by) E.T.
I am still opinionated.
I am a lot less (although still) bossy. 

And I still want to be a Teacher and a Mother.

When I began teaching, I felt like I had found my calling. Kids were my energy. I loved the way they saw the world. I loved their genius and their innocence and their creativity and their honesty. I loved that (most of the time) they loved me without any guile and were exceptionally forgiving. I loved that they were so excited to discover their world, and that for the most part their problems were small. I prayed for them when their problems were big and laughed at their silly faces and jokes that never made sense. I hugged them back when they needed it, said 'yes' when they needed it and sometimes more importantly, 'no' when they needed it. They were, and still are, "my kids."

I was never one of those girls who openly said she chose teaching because it would be a good career to have with kids. Others (I went to school in Utah, OK?) would say: "I'm just teaching because I'm not married yet." or "I wasn't planning on actually having to USE my degree."  I still won't say it. I went into education specifically to teach children. It was never my Plan B. I would be lying, however, if I told you that I wanted to teach in a public school for 30 years. In the back of my mind, it was never my intention to be a professional teacher forever. I always wanted, and still do, want to be a mom. The two always have been, and will be, co-existing entities in my mind. One isn't over the other. I want both.

I have been blessed with wonderful parents who have never hassled me about being single. They've been supportive about all of the life choices I have made, supported me emotionally, physically, and financially over the years, especially the roughest ones. They are the perfect parents for me. They never once told me that if I changed something about myself, the course of my single life would change. They are pretty much saints. My mom has always had incredible faith that I would find someone perfect for me, and that they would be righteous. Because of her, I know I will.

 I've always known that I'm a little different than my peers. I always have been. My slogan for my junior high treasurer campaign was "Different is Good!" (I lost..it was junior high, after all..who wants to be different there? I think I got 5 votes..which was more than I thought I'd get, actually) I related better to the adults I knew than other kids my age a lot of the time.  I was, and still am, wise beyond my years. I'm an "Old Soul."  I also knew that I wouldn't have tons of dating opportunities. I knew that I wouldn't catch the majority of guys attention, and frankly, I didn't want it. They weren't the type of person I was looking for. In friendship-and anything else- character (and quirky-ness) always came first. Always. Because of this, I have been incredibly blessed by the people I have chosen to associate with. I have great friends. They share many faiths and backgrounds and belief systems. They are unique, and talented and exceptionally quirky.  They've helped me to love more and love better, and they absolutely love me. I am grateful to them for who they've helped me become. I am very loved, whether I am romantically involved with someone or not, and my relationship status is separate from who I am as a human. Just like yours is when I talk to you.

I am sharing all of this for a couple of reasons:

1. I absolutely, 100% do not want anyone's pity. I love my life.  I am as happy-if not more so-single as you are married. Just like married life is hard sometimes, single life is hard sometimes. I get it.

2. I absolutely, 100% do not want advice, or messages of hope for someday, or stories about their brother's-sister's-best-friend's-dentist that met the love of their life in some miraculous way just when they thought they'd be alone forever. Please do not promise me a stripling warrior in heaven because of my faithfulness in this life if I'm not married. I'm so not down with all the Mormon Myths floating around about love and marriage for people who are single or don't marry. They're lame and they aren't true doctrine and they just sound condescending. PLEASE don't pat me on the shoulder and say "Why aren't you married?" or my personal favorite "It will be your turn someday." I hate that too. And don't compare me to Sheri Dew. She's great and all, but comparisons are hurtful in so many ways. Give me a hug or a high five for being awesome because I'm me-single or married. I LOVE those.

3. I absolutely, 100% trust in God and His timing, as well as His matchmaking skills. I'm totally open if you want to try yours out too, but just know, at the end of the day, He's my guy. I'm not looking for dating advice, but I won't turn down an opportunity to meet someone new either.

and

4. As a single sister in an extremely family-oriented church, I wanted my fellow Saints to know what I REALLY think when I sit behind you and your adorable family, in front of you and your adorable family, or next to you and your adorable family at church. I can't speak for all my fellow singles, just me, but maybe others feel this way too.

-Please don't feel you have to apologize when your kids are loud at church. The silence in my house is deafening sometimes. And painful. And lonely. Just sometimes..most of the times I'm good. I like the noise every once in a while!

-If your kid wants to say 'Hi' to me, heck..if YOU want to say 'Hi' to me, let them.  I love it. They are never a bother. Neither are you.

-I'm a really great sacrament helper if you have to wrangle all your munchkins by yourself. I just feel uncomfortable asking because I don't want you to feel like I think you can't control your kids. Ask away if you feel overwhelmed. I would help in a heartbeat if you asked. It also means I get to be part of your family for an hour..which would be really fun.

-I love holding babies.

-Some Sundays ARE really hard. Sometimes your cute little family melts my heart..like..Ineedtogocryinmycarbecauseidonthavethat kind of a day. Sometimes I DO go home after sacrament because it hurts that much.  

-If you see me looking all made up and fancy and you judge yourself for the drool on your shirt or your old skirt, or something else I probably didn't even notice, please don't. I only see the patience you have with your teething toddler and your son's shiny new shoes that he wore to church today that cost the same amount as that new skirt you were eying that stayed on the rack as you left the store..again. You are the one I admire.

-I love it when your toddler stands on the pew and conducts with the chorister. It shows music is important in your home and that you are teaching the Gospel through song.

-I love hearing your kids say prayers, sing primary songs, give talks,  read scriptures and tell me what they know. They are remembering more than you think, and they are a lot stronger than we ever were growing up. You have choice spirits in your home. It's a privilege for me to associate with them.

-I love it when couples try to sit together even with kids. It shows you still want to BE together. I want that too.

-I love it when your husband and sons hold the door open for me and ask how I'm doing. It shows me that respect for small courtesies is still very much alive, and you helped them remember that.

- PLEASE let me help. I have the time and a lot of resources. You aren't putting me out. EVER. If I offer, I mean it. Take me up on it. If you tell me no, that hurts as much as not asking.

- I would absolutely LOVE to come to your Family Home Evening or have dinner or just be in a home with a family. I don't get those opportunities very often, and I don't have any nieces or nephews.

-I love seeing your mommy life on facebook, but my favorite is when you share something about YOU. Your goals, your dreams, likes, dislikes, etc. Smiling babies and kids with mustaches are adorable, but I'm friends with you. You're the one I want to see. Think of me as being your tie to who you were before you got married and had kids. She's still in there, somewhere. :)

The tough ones...some of these apply to me, some have been shared from other friends' experiences.

-I am once and for all and not in million years- interested in your husband. He does it for you, not for me, and if he did, the last thing I would want to do is break you up. I know how hard it is for people to get together in the first place, and would never jeopardize that. If you see single women as a threat, please stop. We can tell. We'd rather be friends with you than be known as 'that blonde' or 'that single girl'.
 
 -My testimony and my relationship status are not connected. Because I am not married yet does not make me unworthy in any way. Just because I'm not married doesn't mean I have missed out on learning life lessons, or that my opinions have less value. Let me share in classes and meetings, and actively listen...you may be very surprised at what I have to say.

-Some days the fact that I even show up to church is a miracle. I really have a hard time going sometimes. I go because it's true, not because it's easy. Be kind and friendly, it really does mean a lot. You never know what happened before I got there. Sometimes I really have bawled my eyes out literally right before walking in.

- When I talk about being sad, please understand that I am not sad because I am not married. I am, however,  trying to figure out where I belong since being alone at 33 wasn't necessarily in the life plan, and staying in Vegas this long has never been my goal. I've had to make some adjustments, and there's a grieving process that comes from letting go of the expectations of what your life would be like. Just love me through it. I'm figuring it out.

I hope to be in your ranks one day, but if not, being true to myself has been one of the hardest and rewarding things about being single. There's no fallback, there's no joint decision making, there is one person calling all the shots. Sometimes that's challenging and overwhelming by yourself.

If there is anything I wish I could tell you it's to never shrink from who you are: as a parent, as a person, in your job, etc. You are raising righteousness.  I can't tell you how much I admire, love and appreciate you for what you are doing for the youth of the church and the power of the priesthood. You are also my sister (or brother) and single or married, I think YOU are incredible.

That's what I'm really thinking when I sit by you on Sunday.